So, in my last post I mentioned this “Master Detective” magazine that I picked up. I thought I would show you just a little bit of what’s inside. As you can see from the cover, there are some cheese-ariffic articles in there. Will anyone be surprised to learn that they’re not actually as interesting as they sound?

The only one I tried to really delve into was “Who’s Killing the ‘Great’ Pimps of Hamburg?” From what I can gather, it was a complicated rivalry brought on by diminishing economic circumstances between two rival groups of pimps called St. Pauli GmbH and the Nutella Prostitution and Drug Organization. (Nutella — no shit — though not affiliated with the actual product. The article says that the name “is a sort of joke, because Nuta is slang for prostitute in German and Nutella is the name of a well-known spread to be put on bread.” Oh, those funny pimps!) I could not be bothered to track all of the specific incidents and motivations (I might have needed to draw a chart), but I was amused by all of the nicknames, apparently required for any pimp in Germany: Handsome Michael, Chinese Fritz (who died “without having time to pay for his beer” — I’m sure he felt really bad about that), The Businessman, Karate Tommy, Vienna Karl, and Angie. At press time the “Hamburg War of the Pimps” was apparently still in progress.

Like many magazines of yesteryear, the really fun stuff is in the ads. There’s a preponderance of invitations to start some flourishing career or another. Be A Law Officer! Be An Electrician! Be A Locksmith! Get in on the profits in SMALL ENGINE service and repair! Upholstering just one chair … may pay you as much as your present week’s paycheck! The big, quick money is in VINYL REPAIR! There are also ads which promise riches while providing absolutely no indication of what the hell you are supposed to be doing, as well as the requisite ads full of cheesy products that you can supposedly resell for big bucks. The “Fastest Sellers for 1984” include such gems as the Permanent Match, Dynamo Flash-Gun, Drinking Bird, and Automatic Needle Threader.

Some of these ads were pretty funny, but my favorites were found in a hodge-podge of tiny ads crammed into the last ten or so pages. The following four gems were in the same location over four subsequent pages. First, I give you this.

For Men Of Action: a “lifted” pouch for macho swagger. Oh yeah.

On the next page, we see what Today’s Man is all about: “almost invisible” man-panties.

It’s the coolest brief yet! But wait – then we have this:

Notice the ad right above it, too. “Sexy Girls In Your Area Want Men Of All Ages For Dates!” I think I’ve gotten spam with that exact sentence in it. Some things never change. (And not the abundance of sexy girls desperate for dates.)

And then just when you think it couldn’t get any hotter … you turn the page in eager anticipation, only to find …

Yikes!

That’s all for this Book Report. And yes, I know this isn’t really a book. You want books? Head on over to this post on the always-entertaining Thrift Store Adventures for more books than you can shake a thrifted stick at.